(no subject)

 

I wanted to share this for a long time, and I think it’s time.

Let’s star with saying that I was always a person drawn to strange and spiritual. I was that weird kid roaming the wild areas around their grandma’s home looking for something magic, Something More. So it felt natural when I started exploring various spiritual ways when I reached my teenage years. I explored buddhism a lot, mainly tibetan schools, and I still hold some buddhist beliefs and mindset, especially about reincarnation and some cosmology (I’d like to write about that, too, but maybe another time). Then I had a longer run with slavic paganism, even tho it never really called to me in personal, spiritual way. I was interested in it as part of the culture and history, tho. It didn’t went well, because I had a misfortune to stumble upon nationalists. It’s not a story about this (tho it’s tied to my abuser, and maybe one day I’ll write about it – I think talking about nationalists trying to appropriate paganism for themselves is important, and my experiences, while several years old, are probably still relevant. But, another time), but it caused a long pause in my spiritual pursuits. While I was recovering, I couldn’t stand even smallest mentions of slavic traditions and religion. My list of triggers regarding that person was pretty long, and in also included anything norse and viking related. It was upsetting, because I was interested in norse stuff earlier, but my reactions were so strong I had to stay away, and it took few years before I was able to engage with it again. This is important, because now I know that certain trickster was hanging around me for longer than I initially thought. I think about it quite often. They had to wait few years before I was even able to think about things that would alert me to their presence, and then wait a bit more for me to feel my way through my messy spiritual landscape, and I really appreciate how patient and gentle they were with me on this part of my journey.

Strangely enough, when I was beginning to explore heathenry in a way of it being possible patch for me, I first looked into working mostly with Freyr. I wasn’t sure why back then, but now it’s obvious. It was basically me, trying to pull out pagan version of “closeted lesbian pick the most gentle and non-toxic man she can find to have a crush on”. Everything I was learning about Freyr was so different from what fascist assholes I encountered  before in pagan circles valued as masculine ideal. He was gentle, warm, nurturing, and that’s what pulled me in. I walked around this idea for a while, kinda testing it in my mind. I sensed something that I can only describe as aknowledgement, but no pressure of any kind.

I can’t point to any particular date or time in my life and say that this is exactly when Loki entered the picture, or rather, when I realized they’re there. I think it was gradual. Like when you’re walking in gentle rain, and after a while you lift your head and go “oh. rain”, and you realize it was raining for a while now. I went on for a while with that knowledge, and around this time I stumbled upon some american lokean blogs on tumblr (I wasn’t even looking – I found first blog while reblogging something completely different, and url picked my curiosity). I lurked there for a while, but it was generally very different approach to spirituality from mine. Now I think it might’ve prolonged my “getting there” part, and only after I stepped away for a while, I managed to get my shit together and make some decisions.

Since at that point I had a very strong, close presence in my life, I simply decided one day, when I was planning to go to the woods next morning to take photos, that I’m going to talk with Loki. Despite that spiritual progress, I was still a bit of a mess and while sensing things was always easy, I had a hard time focusing and communicating (it was related to my general trauma after abuse), so going out and meditating seemed like a good way to clear my head. This is why I remember the exact date – I took some really great photos that morning, they’re still my top forest photos, so it’s very easy to go and check the date.

I won’t be sharing every detail, because that’s a bit too personal for me. But I did went to the misty october forest at dawn, took cool photos, went to my favourite liminal place, found a place to sit and meditate, and then I did talk with Loki. It was lovely, like coming home. That’s when I saw them clearly for the first time, and it was beautiful, and to this day, what I saw that day is what I think of when I want to describe Loki – not as certain look, because shapeshifting god can look whatever they like, but the vibe. It was misty autumn morning, and there was a swirl of autumn leaves, constantly shifting in the air, soft sparkles, everything around them in motion, setting that liminal, ever-changing tone to them, but it wasn’t overwhelming, and while they now show up wearing all kind of things, this fun, boho-shamanic-woodland cape with a messy chaotic collar made of various furs, wool, feathers, ribbons, scraps of silk, and adorned with beads, with leaves and twigs stuck in it, long, ginger hair with tiny braids, that’s what describes them so well for me – it’s home, it’s hearth, but it’s wild. That’s a being who made home along humans, but cames from beyond, and you can smell cool wind and wild woods on them along with  campfire smoke and honey. The same goes for the rest of the look – they do show up for me looking certain way, it’s not always identical, there are changes, but the vibe, general features are always theirs in a way that I can’t mistake for anything else. There are some features that stays, light eyelashes, warm-toned freckled skin, they’re always a redhead (tho shades vary a bit), and these days they show up wearing my clothes like, 70% of the time. Lots of people see them in green, but they’re mostly in blue, purple, black or pink around me, sometimes yellow (yeah, colours of genderfluid and nonbinary flags. It took few years to crack this egg, but they managed eventually).

So they did show up in that synesthetic display, lovely, wild, their hand outstretched, smiling, all being like ”you’re here, you’re here, finally, hi”, and honestly? Nothing beats this.

I did sense Freyr that day, too – again, gentle presence, and aknowledgement – this time not just of me, but more like... making sure I’m taken care of? That it’s ok that I picked someone else as my main focus? I’m a polytheist and I respect my gods, and that’s what I usually think of when it comes to Freyr.

It took me a while to get accustomed to the presence of a god in my life, and to become comfortable with them. I was being... kinda cautious? I was feeling my way into this relationship slowly, and they never pushed me or my boundaries. It took us a while, but now our relationship is very intimate, I feel good and comfy around them, and that’s one of the best things in my life. It’s going to be ten years this October.